Who Wants To Be A Millionaire... Wrestling Style
by hardygrrl
Summary: Steven Richards, Edge, Christian, and Joel Gertner on Who Wants to Be a Millionaire... very funny. R/R!!


"Who Wants To Be a Millionaire?"  
Wrestling Style  
By  
HardyGrrl  
  
Staring:  
Regis Philbin  
  
Contestants:  
Steven Richards (WWF)  
Edge and Christian (WWF)  
Joel Gertner (ECW)  
  
Other Contestants:  
Jeff Hardy (WWF)  
The Rock (WWF)  
Roadkill (ECW)  
Justin Credible (ECW)  
Francine (ECW)  
Lita (WWF)  
Mideon (WWF)  
  
(The scene opens and Lita is entering the building. Francine runs behind her and clubs her in the back of the head with a kendo stick. Lita falls to the ground as Francine continues the beat-down.)  
  
Francine  
I'm the REAL millionaire!  
  
(Francine drives off in a car as the scene fades to the opening of the show. Regis is standing in the front and laughs.)  
  
Regis Philbin  
Well, I guess Lita and Francine are eliminated from our competition. Allow me to introduce our contestants: from Cameron, North Carolina - Jeff Hardy!  
  
(The camera shows Jeff Hardy's spot, but he's not in the seat. All of a sudden, a scream is heard from the crowd. Jeff Hardy comes tumbling down from the rafters and falls abruptly onto his seat.)  
  
Regis Philbin (helping Jeff Hardy stand up)  
Son, are you all right?  
  
Jeff Hardy (smiling)  
HELL YEAH! THAT ROCKED! NEXT TIME I'LL TRY IT WITH A LADDER! WHOO!  
  
Regis Philbin (confused)  
Okay... son, what did you do to your hair?  
  
Jeff Hardy  
Nothin'... I'm just stylin'. Regis, you think THAT'S extreme? THIS (takes off shirt) is extreme!!  
  
(FX: Girls in the audience swoon and scream)  
  
(Jeff takes a seat as Regis continues)  
  
Regis Philbin  
From Parts Unknown... Mideon!  
  
(Mideon smiles and waves at the camera. He stands up and poses as he proudly sports his fanny pack. He flexes and the girls scream in horror as he winks happily and sits down.)  
  
Regis Philbin  
Okay then... from my wife's bedroom? Joel Gertner?!  
  
(Joel Gertner smiles at the camera seductively as Regis looks from afar.)  
  
Regis Philbin  
From Miami, Florida... The Ro-  
  
The Rock  
Shut up, Jabroni! If you would just keep your roody-poo candy-assed mouth shut, you would hear them chanting The Rock's name... (sniffs the air)  
  
(FX: The crowd chants "Rocky!")  
  
The Rock  
Do you smell that, Regis?  
  
Regis Philbin (confused)  
What are you smelling?  
  
The Rock  
IT DOESN'T MATTER WHAT THE ROCK IS SMELLING! IF YA SMEELLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL WHAT THE ROCK... IS COOKIN'!!!!!!!!  
  
Regis Philbin  
Not exactly, but okay. From somewhere in Amish Country... Roadkill!  
  
(The camera shows Roadkill with a demented look in his eyes as Danny Doring smiles and blows kisses to the ladies in the audience)  
  
Regis Philbin  
Who are you?  
  
Danny Doring  
I'm the Danaconda...  
  
Regis Philbin  
The Dana-whata?  
  
Danny Doring  
Any of you ladies want a ride?  
  
Roadkill  
CHICKENS!  
  
Regis Philbin  
Chickens? Chickens, what?  
  
Danny Doring  
Any of you ladies need a night to climb aboard the Danaconda and take the ride of your life... I'm right here...  
  
Regis Philbin  
Moving on... from Ontario, Canada... Edge and Christian!  
  
(Edge and Christian are shown playing a game of Rock, Paper, Scissors. Edge plays rock and Christian plays paper.)  
  
Christian  
Ha! Paper covers rock! I get to answer all the questions!  
  
Edge (takes his other hand and plays a scissors)  
No way! Interference! Scissors cuts paper!  
  
Christian  
NNNOOOO!!!! DAMNIT! Dude! You so cheated! There's no interference in Rock, Paper, Scissors!  
  
Regis Philbin  
Boys, you can both answer the questions.  
  
Edge  
Not now, you Stone-Aged Reek-a-zoid!  
  
Christian  
Really, we're in the middle of a totally pensivinous match.  
  
Regis Philbin  
Okay... from-  
  
(Steven Richards stands up and screams in a mad rage.)  
  
Steven Richards  
NO! NO! NO! This is not acceptable!  
  
Regis Philbin  
What's not acceptable?  
  
Steven Richards  
THERE ARE CHILDREN WATCHING IN THE AUDIENCE!!!  
  
Regis Philbin  
Yes, I know, sir.  
  
Steven Richards (calms down)  
I'm calm. I'm calm. Just know that I am watching you, Mr. Philbin...  
  
Regis Philbin  
All righty, then... and lastly from Ozone Park, New York... Justin Credible!  
  
Justin Credible (glares at Danny Doring and Roadkill)  
You stupid (beep) (beep)!! I'm gonna (beep) come over there and (beep) kick your (beep)! You (beep) (beep) (beep) (beep) (beep)!!!  
  
Regis Philbin (shocked)  
WOAH! I don't think you can say that on television, sir.  
  
Danny Doring  
He's just jealous of the Dana-conda...  
  
Justin Credible  
Dana-conda my (beep) (beep)!  
  
(Justin Credible takes his kendo stick and charges at Danny Doring. He pummels both Roadkill and Danny with the kendo stick as the crowd chants "ECW! ECW! ECW!")  
  
(The security guards escort Danny Doring, Roadkill, and Justin Credible out of the room.)  
  
Justin Credible (screaming in distance)  
That's not just the coolest! That's not just the best! That, my friends, is... hey! Where the hell is my car?! FRANCINE!!!!  
  
Regis Philbin  
All right. Now, it's time for the fastest finger question! Put these in the order of which president was first in office: George Washington, Abraham Lincoln, Ronald Reagan, and George W. Bush... (mumbles) Please get this right, one of you.  
  
(The timer counts as Steven Richards quickly answers. Joel Gertner is smiling at the camera. Edge and Christian are still playing Rock, Paper, Scissors. Jeff Hardy is staring dumbfounded at the computer. Mideon disappeared from his spot, but women's screams are heard in the distance. The Rock is giving the People's Eyebrow to the roody-poo jabroni cameraman.)  
  
(FX: The timer goes off.)  
  
Regis Philbin  
Now, time to look at the winners.  
  
(The screen shows Steven Richards' icon blinking.)  
  
Regis Philbin  
Well, I see Steven Richards is the only one who answered...  
  
Steven Richards  
YES!!! I will show you the correct entertainment that you SHOULD be watching!  
  
(The Rock stands up angrily and protests.)  
  
The Rock  
No fair! The Rock demands a recount!  
  
Regis Philbin  
There is no recount!  
  
The Rock  
There is whatever The Rock says there is... and the Rock says NO Steven Richards!  
  
Regis Philbin  
And Regis says NO Rock.  
  
The Rock  
The Rock doesn't have to take this crap! The Rock is leaving!  
  
(The Rock storms out of the building as Steven Richards happily sit in the chair in front of Regis.)  
  
Edge (snorts aloud laughter)  
He's almost as bad as Monopoly Man...  
  
Christian  
Yeah, but remember Edge... we can't say anything or HHH's manager Milton Bradley will kick our ass.  
  
Edge (laughs)  
What will he do? Twister us to death?  
  
(Edge and Christian laugh aloud as Regis strangely looks at them.)  
  
Regis Philbin  
Let's begin. Our $100 question... Who was Bullwinkle's sidekick from the show Rocky and Bullwinkle? Was it Rocky? Mr. Rogers? Mike Tyson? Or Rainbow Brite?  
  
Steven Richards (sweats)  
Well... since I never watch violent and disgraceful television. I'd like to use a 50/50.  
  
Regis Philbin (confused)  
Okay. The left answers are "Rocky" and "Rainbow Brite".  
  
Steven Richards (sigh)  
I'd like to poll the audience.  
  
Regis Philbin  
You're not serious, are you?  
  
Steven Richards (angry)  
I'm VERY serious, Mr. Philbin...  
  
Regis Philbin  
Okay... the audience has made their guess: 99% say it's Rocky... and the 1% says it's Rainbow Brite.  
  
Steven Richards  
I'm still not sure.  
  
Edge (laughs)  
Dude! Pick Rainbow Brite!  
  
Christian (laughs)  
Yeah! Rainbow Brite! That chick so totally reeks of awesomeness!  
  
Steven Richards (smiles)  
All right. Rainbow Brite.  
  
Regis Philbin  
Oh! I'm sorry... the correct answer was Rocky. Thanks for playing, Steven.  
  
(Steven Richards angrily gets in Regis' face, screaming.)  
  
Steven Richards  
WHAT?!?! I CAN'T LOSE!!!  
  
Regis Philbin  
Steven, I'm sorry... but you lost.  
  
(Steven angrily marches off as Edge and Christian laugh.)  
  
Edge  
That's right, loser. YOU SUCK!  
  
Regis Philbin  
Okay, then. Our next fastest finger question is... Place the actresses according to their birth: (groans) Jenna Jamison, Traci Lords, Cheyenne, and Daisy Chain.  
  
(Regis groans as Joel Gertner hurriedly answers with a smile. Edge and Christian laugh in accord that Regis is a total dorkchop. Jeff Hardy has mysteriously disappeared.)  
  
Regis Philbin  
How did I know you were going to answer that one correctly?  
  
Joel Gertner  
Well, all the ladies say I have the fastest finger in the world... but that's for DIFFERENT reasons...  
  
(Joel Gertner sits in front of Regis and sighs. Regis clears his throat and looks at Joel Gertner, who makes eyes at a woman behind him.)  
  
Joel Gertner  
Do we actually have to play to get the money?  
  
Regis Philbin  
Uh, yes.  
  
Joel Gertner  
Can't I just strip for the ladies?  
  
Regis Philbin  
No...  
  
Joel Gertner  
Okay. First question... Reg.  
  
Regis Philbin  
Okay, then. What are the different positions that can be held in a military?  
  
Joel Gertner (grins)  
There's the 'missionary' position... there's the many 'kama sutra' positions... there's doggystyle... there's-  
  
Regis Philbin  
That's enough. Thank you. I believe that's a wrong answer, but we'll move onto the next question. Where is a 'joystick' most commonly found?  
  
Joel Gertner  
In between your wife's legs!  
  
Regis Philbin  
That's it. Security!  
  
(Joel Gertner smiles and blows a kiss to the woman in the audience. Security escorts him off.)  
  
Regis Philbin  
Well, I guess that concludes our game of "Who Wants To Be A Million-"  
  
Edge  
Hey, I don't think so, Reg. You still have us...  
  
Christian  
Really. We are the fightingest tag team champs, and we'll be the fightingest and richest millionaires in the WWF!  
  
Edge  
Yeah! That's awesome, dude!  
  
Regis Philbin  
You're joking, right?  
  
Edge  
No way! Put us on a team and we'll SO get that million dollars!  
  
Regis Philbin  
All right. You have yourselves a deal. Edge and Christian...  
  
(Edge and Christian run to the chair, but Edge sits in it and pushes Christian on the floor. Christian pouts.)  
  
Regis Philbin  
I can get more chairs, you know...  
  
(A crew person brings out another chair and Christian sits on it.)  
  
Edge  
Thanks, Reg-eroni.  
  
Christian  
Yeah. This is like so the coolest.  
  
Regis Philbin  
Okay. First question... What is the capital of the United States? A. Alabama B. Washington, D.C. C. Seattle or D. New Orleans  
  
Christian  
Washington, D.C.  
  
Regis Philbin (surprised)  
Yes. It is!  
  
Edge (high fives Christian)  
That rocks. We know.  
  
Regis Philbin  
Okay. Next question... what is the highest point on Earth? A. Mount McKinley B. Mount Everest C. Mount Mountain or D. Mount Henry  
  
Christian (squints his eyes off in the distance behind Regis)  
B? Oh! Mount Everest.  
  
Regis Philbin (confused)  
Okay... next. Who painted the Mona Lisa? A. Raphael B. Leonardo da Vinci C. Donatello or D. Michaelangelo  
  
Edge (squints his eyes off where Christian was looking)  
Leonardo da Vinci?  
  
Regis Philbin (confused)  
Correct.  
  
(Regis looks behind him and sees Jeff Hardy hanging upside down in the rafters, smiling)  
  
Jeff Hardy  
Hey there.  
  
Regis Philbin  
What are you doing up there?  
  
Jeff Hardy  
Giving them the answers... I can see them on your computer.  
  
Regis Philbin  
Security!  
  
(Security pulls Jeff Hardy down and escort him out.)  
  
Regis Philbin  
This is a waste of my time...  
  
Edge  
Dude, we can SO totally make it through the rest of the rounds!  
  
Christian  
Really... forget that hick who can't talk normally! We can so TOTALLY kick butt!  
  
Regis Philbin  
Why bother?  
  
Christian  
Because... we want to make all the fans of this show with only four teeth see the light and once see a good show of Who Wants to Be a Millionaire!  
  
Regis Philbin (sighs)  
All right.  
  
Edge  
Thanks, Reg.  
  
Regis Philbin  
All right, this is for $1000... Who invented the telephone? A. Bret Hart B. Jerry Lawler C. Ben Franklin or D. That old reek-a-zoid named Alexander Graham Bell  
  
Edge (thinks)  
I think I'll have to phone a friend...  
  
Regis Philbin  
Okay... we'll-  
  
Edge (takes out cell phone)  
No, I've my cell phone right here. I'll call him.  
  
(Edge dials up a number and Christian's cell phone rings. Christian answers it.)  
  
Christian  
Hello?  
  
Edge  
Yeah, hey dude!  
  
Christian  
Dude, what's up?!  
  
Edge  
Nothin'. I'm just on 'What Reek-a-zoid Wants to Kiss Regis' Ass For a Million Bucks'. Hey, there's this question... it says: "Who invented the telephone?"  
  
Regis Philbin (rolls his eyes)  
What a waste of a lifeline...  
  
Edge  
The choices are: A. Bret Hart B. Jerry Lawler C. Ben Franklin or D. That old reek-a-zoid named Alexander Graham Bell  
  
Christian  
No doubt! It's A! Our fellow Canadian brother Bret!  
  
Edge  
Dude that's whines on the phone... not invented the phone.  
  
Christian  
Oh... um... C?  
  
Edge  
Didn't that dude like create the Muppets?  
  
Christian  
Ben Franklin? I think so. So, I guess it's B.  
  
Edge  
I'll say D.  
  
Christian and Edge  
We say D.  
  
Regis Philbin  
Surprisingly you're correct... you just won one thousand dollars!  
  
Edge  
Wow! We made the same amount in one night that Essa Rios makes in one year! Sweet Lady McGee!  
  
Christian  
Yeah!  
  
Regis Philbin  
Okay... final question. This is for one million dollars...  
  
Edge (thinks and counts on his fingers)  
Hey, wait... wasn't there questions in between-  
  
Regis Philbin (ignores Edge)  
FOR ONE MILLION DOLLARS... What Greek philosopher wrote the Republic? A. Socrates B. Plato C. Titian D. My mother  
  
Edge  
Republic? Isn't that like Al Gore?  
  
(Regis hits himself in the head.)  
  
Christian  
No, that's like Democrat or something... Republic is Bush.  
  
Edge  
Oh, you're right. Bush is our answer.  
  
Regis Philbin  
Bush isn't an answer to choose!!  
  
Christian (thinks)  
He's just trying to trick us, dude!!  
  
Edge  
That's not right!  
  
(Regis rolls his eyes and stands up. He starts off. Edge and Christian stand up and grab two iron chairs.)  
  
Regis Philbin  
I'm going back to daytime television... Kathie Lee, wait for me!  
  
(Edge and Christian give him the "Conchairto" and laugh. Christian steals his watch and runs off. Edge writes on the camera in black magic marker "Regis is a Stone-Aged reek-a-zoid" and runs off. The scene fades to black and the show ends.) 


End file.
